Well, then.

He broke up with me last night. It kind of came out of the blue-- I thought he seemed really happy to spend time with me on Monday-- and I was pretty heartbroken because I really liked him. Sure, there were things that needed to be worked on, but we talked about stuff on Tuesday, and I thought things were good. Granted, on Tuesday he also told me that he would be happier and find me more attractive if I weighed less, but he said he still thought I was cute. I was pretty embarrassed and a bit hurt, but I asked to talk to him about it, we made plans to talk yesterday, and I thought things would be fine. But after I brought up my concerns about his comments on my weight last night, he just said he was losing excitement and interest in me, and didn't think there was enough to keep the relationship going. He brought up some issues I had been working on, but it was basically that he didn't find me attractive anymore so he wasn't willing to give me any time to work on those things.

I cried for a while last night. It certainly didn't help that I've been feeling the effects of the anniversary for a while (tonight is pretty much the main night), and he was originally going to come up and spend the weekend because he knew it'd be rough for me. I think part of what hit me hard was how it seemed he pretty much wanted me to accept that he wasn't interested in me anymore and just go away. He didn't want to discuss anything. He didn't mention wanting to be friends. He basically just wanted me to say "ok," stop talking, and disappear from his life. I don't think he ever wants to speak to me or see me again. I'm a bit bewildered and hurt. I know we hadn't been dating for all that long, but to just suddenly and completely kick someone out of your life like that? Especially just because you think they're too fat? On Tuesday he seemed ok with the fact that I was working on my weight, but I guess he decided he wasn't willing to wait after all, and I wasn't worth even being friends with.

Last night was hard for a while, but it turns out I have amazing friends, and I am stronger than I realize. My self-esteem has been suffering for a while (I'm used to feeling bad about my body, but it's rare and discomfiting to feel stupid-- but he was brilliant), so I spent some time just feeling really shitty about myself. But then after talking to friends and going through half a box of tissues, I wrote some bad poetry for myself-- ok, I don't think it even counts as poetry (it's a list of affirmations that are not in complete sentences and are creatively indented :P)-- but somehow that did the trick, and I am feeling better about the breakup. It feels like it's started to heal; I just need to not poke at the scab too much.

So now the pressing issue is the anniversary, because my plans to spend it with him got thrown out the window last night. I'll spend time with friends, and I'll manage tonight and the rest of the weekend somehow. I guess I just need to focus on the fact that despite some setbacks, I've been doing pretty well with moving on with my life. The trauma doesn't define me anymore. While I will always consider myself a survivor, I am also a vet student, a researcher, a friend, and perhaps most importantly (:P), a slave to 2 adorable kittens. There are people in my life who love me, and I have to believe that they see something in me that makes me worth caring about.

Here's to five years.