Only rapists can prevent rape

You've all heard it before: "10 Ways to Be More Careful and Not Attract Rapists" and all other similar incarnations. Don't walk alone at night. Don't wear earphones while jogging. Don't leave your drink unattended. Don't wear a short skirt. Don't grow your hair out long. Don't don't don't. The burden falls on us, the potential victims, to keep ourselves safe. Why? Because no one is teaching potential perpetrators how NOT to be rapists. Because no one is plastering this all over men's magazines and sports shows and bars the same way that women's magazines overflow with warnings and tips and tricks to help us survive each night unharmed. But they should be.


From lickystickypickyme:

Only rapists can prevent rape:

A lot has been said about how to prevent rape. Women should learn self-defense. Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark. Women shouldn’t have long hair and women shouldn’t wear short skirts. Women shouldn’t leave drinks unattended. Fuck, they shouldn’t dare to get drunk at all. Instead of that bullshit, how about:

If a woman is drunk, don’t rape her.
If a woman is walking alone at night, don’t rape her.
If a women is drugged and unconscious, don’t rape her.
If a woman is wearing a short skirt, don’t rape her.
If a woman is jogging in a park at 5 am, don’t rape her.
If a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you’re still hung up on, don’t rape her.
If a woman is asleep in her bed, don’t rape her.
If a woman is asleep in your bed, don’t rape her.
If a woman is doing her laundry, don’t rape her.
If a woman is in a coma, don’t rape her.
If a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don’t rape her.
If a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don’t rape her.
If a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don’t rape her.
If your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don’t rape her.
If your step-daughter is watching TV, don’t rape her.
If you break into a house and find a woman there, don’t rape her.
If your friend thinks it’s okay to rape someone, tell him it’s not, and that he’s not your friend.
If your “friend” tells you he raped someone, report him to the police.
If your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there’s an unconscious woman upstairs and it’s your turn, don’t rape her, call the police, and tell the guy he’s a rapist.
Tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, sons of friends it’s not okay to rape someone.
Don’t tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape.
Don’t imply that she could have avoided it if she’d only done/not done x.
Don’t imply that it’s in any way her fault.
Don’t let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he “got some” with the drunk girl.

Note:
This goes for any gendered rape, male on female or female on male or female on female or FTM on MTF or non gendered to dual gendered and so on and so forth….

Why "Defying Gravity"?

So a friend of mine asked me today why I named my blog Defying Gravity. I would like to share a piece of music that I've found to be incredibly empowering and profound. I listened to it all the time during the last year and a half of my life, both when I needed some somber thinking-music and when I needed an encouraging boost. To me, it represents a dark part of my life, but one I survived and surpassed, with dignity and with pride.

The song is called "Defying Gravity," sung by Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth in the musical Wicked. I was first introduced to it in middle school, by my dear friend Mogwit, and I loved it. It stuck and stayed with me through my awkward blooming in high school, through my sophomore year depression and destructive relationship, through my senior year when a traumatic event the first weekend of the term changed everything. I spent my senior spring, when I should have been finishing my undergraduate career and preparing to graduate, in a haze of confusion, anxiety, depression, and pain. I honestly don't remember much from those three months. I remember a few specific events, like going to speak with the campus health offices, the emergency room, safety & security, the dean's office, and the police. I remember living nocturnally because I couldn't sleep at night. I remember playing spider solitaire in my room to pass the time. And I remember this song.

It means so much to me. I associate it with some of the darkest moments of my life. As difficult as it was at times, I resolved to keep going, and finally I emerged to a higher place, where I could be safe, strong, and confident.





Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes, and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down! 

I'm through accepting limits,
'Cuz someone says they're so!
Some things I cannot change,
but 'till I try, I'll never know! 


To all those in my life who have hurt me--

You can't pull me down.

Book: "Aftermath: Violence and the Remaking of a Self" -- Susan Brison

Susan Brison, a professor of philosophy at Dartmouth College, weaves an intellectually stimulating but honest and unpretentious narrative about sudden violence and trauma. Brutally attacked, raped, and left for dead while taking a walk in the French countryside, Brison speaks from the mind and heart about the pain of picking up the pieces of one's life.

I found her observations about the reactions of her friends, family, and community to be particularly poignant. She examines the oft-heard encouragement to forget and move on, and how isolating that can be for survivors of sexual violence. She also addresses issues such as deterioration of memory and concentration, change of personality, and distorted views of time and place.

This was the first memoir by a survivor that I read. While it can be a bit dense and academic sometimes, it is overall a very touching and worthwhile read from a clear and expressive author.

Book: "Story of a Girl" -- Sara Zarr

This story provides an honest, compelling look at coercion and pressure in teenage relationships. I found it triggering but also validating because of particular events in my own past.

The protagonist, 13-year-old Deanna, is caught in a confusing whirlwind of hormones, attraction, and pressure and ends up having sex with 17-year-old Tommy, whom she's not even sure she actually likes. Her family is awkward, struggling, and fractured, and her peers in school have branded her a "slut." Here is a frank examination of stigma and society's double standards with regards to sexual exploration. Deanna's story is an emotionally wrenching portrayal of how one mistake can leave a huge impact on a teenager's identity and sense of self-worth.

Beautifully-written realistic fiction. Delves more into coercion and social pressure than clear sexual assault.

Site: Pandora's Aquarium

http://www.pandys.org/forums/

I owe so much to the unfailingly supportive community at Pandora's Aquarium. I would say that this is the best place to read posts if you're feeling alone or write posts if you want words of support and encouragement. The community is gigantic and infinitely loving. Feel free to use the forums as little or as much as you want; it was often just helpful for me to know it was there whenever I needed a boost.

Site: DartHeart

http://www.dartheart.org/

DartHeart, a nonprofit organization, is a peer support network for students with post traumatic stress. We provide the resources and opportunities for student survivors to unite and offer mentorship to each other and their communities about the realities of life after trauma. Our organization is run by student and alumni survivors of trauma with guidance from health care professionals and supportive members of the community.


DartHeart is a budding organization that is well on its way to being an important resource for college students. It provides what college health offices and informational resources cannot-- support and understanding from fellow survivors.

Introduction to My Resources Posts

I will also begin posting links and reviews of websites I have found informative and helpful during my healing process. I will tend to focus on personal sites more than national organization sites like RAINN.

These posts will be tagged "sa resources" (sa = sexual assault). Please feel free to comment on this post with suggestions. Thanks!