tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.comments2013-03-24T15:22:27.545-04:00Defying GravityS.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13380828869565574299noreply@blogger.comBlogger92125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-59055970634569220382013-03-24T15:22:27.545-04:002013-03-24T15:22:27.545-04:00Haha, thanks :DHaha, thanks :DSayrinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02606714873804662462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-54023933429709539902013-03-24T15:19:51.055-04:002013-03-24T15:19:51.055-04:00Oh god barrrrrrrrrrf
is like my whole reaction to...Oh god barrrrrrrrrrf<br /><br />is like my whole reaction to that dude.Aubreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17255710135091211102noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-39327674157421250952012-07-07T00:02:46.921-04:002012-07-07T00:02:46.921-04:00You are strong, and exceedingly honest. It's i...You are strong, and exceedingly honest. It's impressive.<br /><br />"I didn't want to offend him or make things awkward, I guess?"<br /><br />This worries me. It's good to empathize with people and consider their feelings, but you absolutely positively cannot take responsibility for their reactions to your emotions. In my book, being true to yourself is never wrong. If someone's offended when you set boundaries, that's not something you need to worry about.<br /><br />I'm not quite sure what to make of his apology ("if he had gone too far"). Most people are pretty good at picking up on uncertainty; maybe he sensed some part of your discomfort? If you see him again, could you say something like "I thought things over and do feel like X was too far for me; I'd be more comfortable with Y until we know each other better"? If he's reasonably mature and values others' emotional well-being, I'd expect he'd be fine with that. If not, it's probably something you should know sooner rather than later?<br /><br />A wise person once told me that when one doesn't know how to act in an ambiguous situation, the best thing to do is fall back on one's principles. At times, it can be a struggle to remember what they are, but I've never regretted acting on them a tenth as much as I've regretted acting contrary to them.Paul Hivelyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08773438667239819499noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-21597275678659695742011-08-16T18:53:41.501-04:002011-08-16T18:53:41.501-04:00Hi Ellie,
Thanks for your comment. You make good ...Hi Ellie,<br /><br />Thanks for your comment. You make good points, and honestly, I don't know if I have the right answers, but I'll give it my best shot. <br /><br />For your first question, about how to decide if a relationship is becoming unhealthy, I think a lot of it is instinct (or "hinky feeling," as you so neatly put it). Sometimes there are obvious signs and sometimes there aren't-- but sometimes people's instincts pick up on something even when there's nothing obvious to point to. Even if you're not sure if something's wrong, I think it's still worth approaching the person anyway and just saying what you observe ("I" statements as opposed to "you" statements). <br /><br />And as for if your friend pushes you away, well, I guess the best thing to do is make sure your friend knows you're concerned, and if s/he doesn't want help, then the only thing you can do is retreat to a respectful distance and watch. It's unsatisfying, but I think you're right-- sometimes you just reach a point where you've done all you can and it just turns into waiting and watching.Sayrinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02606714873804662462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-68971365848345518012011-08-16T09:49:31.251-04:002011-08-16T09:49:31.251-04:00Good post. And I really liked the articles you lin...Good post. And I really liked the articles you linked to. Definitely a lot to think about there.<br /><br />My question though, is this: in the excerpt you quoted from the first article, the author says that she needed her friends and family to *not* rely on her cues or take her at her word. So what are people supposed to go by, then? A hinky feeling about our friend's relationship can only get you so far. At other places in the article, she says that people did reach out to her (or at least try to) on multiple occasions, but she pushed them away each time. So I guess what I'm wondering is what is a concerned friend or family member supposed to do in this situation? If we aren't supposed to rely on the cues she gives or the things she says, what are we supposed to go on? And if we do decide to ignore the the things she's telling us and try to reach out, and she pushes us away each time, what then? (I'm assuming that this is a case where abuse is suspected but the person trying to help doesn't yet have actual grounds to call the police or involve the authorities- they haven't actually witnessed something happening or anything like that). Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely NOT defending the "hands off" position, and I definitely agree on the need to reach out to people you suspect are victims of abuse. I'm just kind of wondering what happens when you've sort of done everything you can/everything you know and the victim just won't let you help. <br /><br />I don't know if I knew you at the time you were in an abusive relationship (or at least, if I knew you well enough/was around the House enough to pick up on the fact that something was amiss) and I don't currently know anyone I suspect is the victim of abuse (thank God). But your posts have really gotten me thinking about this issue, and I want to do what I can so that if I ever do start to worry about a friend this way, I have a better idea of what to do to help them.Ellienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-31279874220472513472011-08-07T12:58:27.413-04:002011-08-07T12:58:27.413-04:00I thought about this during my run yesterday, and ...I thought about this during my run yesterday, and came to the same conclusion as P above: you can still do everything right, but someone else's influence can still mess everything up.<br /><br />Two things can throw even the most carefully-laid plans awry: imposition of power, and "random chance" (things over which no single entity or group has any significant amount of influence).<br /><br />While the latter is not preventable, spreading risk (ie. insurance) can help. The former is what society can influence, and it is this we must work strongly towards. However, the thing that can be immediately influenced still requires a larger influence than an individual without amazing political clout ... so it may both help reason about outcomes, their cause, and what to do about preventing horrible events in the future.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-86573129464250120442011-08-05T20:05:57.367-04:002011-08-05T20:05:57.367-04:00"The alternatives are believing that my actio..."The alternatives are believing that my actions determine my life or that events happen randomly. If I believe the former, then how do I reconcile that with believing the rapes weren't my fault?"<br /><br />I think Anonymous is right: it's not that binary. You can control your own actions, but not those of others; you can direct your life, but not determine it. It's incomplete control, which unfortunately is the least satisfying type.<br /><br />Maybe you haven't reached an epiphany now; maybe you second-guess yourself at times or emotionally disengage. That doesn't mean it will always be this way. There's still a great deal of life ahead of you. You've found a purpose in women's rights activism. You've learned more about yourself through therapy. You've found something you love in veterinary work. In my opinion, those are things to be hopeful about, and I think that each new discovery will better illuminate your beliefs.<br /><br />I suppose it's presumptuous of me, but I'm going to advise you to stop reading comments and go hug some more cats. Warm, furry things often help make stuff better, as you well know :-)Paul Hivelyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08773438667239819499noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-72240402555189354532011-08-05T17:46:49.884-04:002011-08-05T17:46:49.884-04:00Agree with above ^
Instead of asking, "Why ...Agree with above ^<br /><br /><br />Instead of asking, "Why me? Why did it happen to me?"---as if 'it' was some cosmic unstoppable force---I think the better question is, "Why did you do this to me?" Asking this question helped me to get farther along with forgiving and forgetting.<br /><br />Bad things happen to good people. Of course, acceptance of bad things doesn't mean that their existence is justified. We must work for a better future, perhaps a future in which rape doesn't exist. We can't change the past, but we can use bad experiences to make us stronger---as an individual and as a society.<br /><br />Using "Fate" to justify what happened is a complete cop-out. It is a way of resigning to an imaginary prophecy. To be blunt: I knew your parents were very superstitious, but I never would have thought that they'd go so far (so low?) as to use Fate/Past-Life on their own daughter's assault. This justification, in fact, is another form of victim-blaming: YOU did something bad in your past life, and now YOU are paying for it. Seriously!! It sickens me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-13468983902308905422011-08-05T16:53:29.869-04:002011-08-05T16:53:29.869-04:00It happened because some asshole decided they woul...It happened because some asshole decided they would rather exert their power than listen when you said no. Why you, I'm not sure. Maybe he thought you were an easy target? Maybe you were there at the time? I'm not in his twisted head (thankfully) so I do not know. Either way, he is an ass, and should not have done what he did to you. You have no control over other people's actions, you have control over your own actions, and no actions can justify someone doing that to you.<br /><br />Many hugs. I am sorry you are numb. I hope that you are feeling better soon **gives you cookie and bubble tea through the internet**Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-86220110038732396392011-08-05T16:48:10.227-04:002011-08-05T16:48:10.227-04:00Just a quick note:
Abortion may potentially cause ...Just a quick note:<br />Abortion may potentially cause feelings of depression or what have you in people who have had an abortion.... but many times it can also bring feelings of relief because they no longer have to bear the burden of carrying an unwanted fetus. A bunch of pro-life people tried to get post-abortion syndrome (I forget what the exact name was, but that was the gist of it) put in the new DSM, but once the people deciding looked at it, they decided that it wasn't an actual "thing". It depends on your mindset going in to the abortion. If you're waffle-ey, you will likely feel guilt, but if you go in because you really don't want to have that child, you're more likely to feel relief. It's a mindset thing...<br />(I know I'm horrifically late but I just came across this post...)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-68287841971142441322011-04-28T15:08:06.859-04:002011-04-28T15:08:06.859-04:00I'm sorry that happened to you, both the movie...I'm sorry that happened to you, both the movie with Dicky Boyfriend and the class with insensitive professor. I think it takes a great deal of courage to take action following a traumatic event or trigger, so I am glad you plan to email him. Hopefully that will give you some closure and help protect other students too.<br /><br />That's what I do with movies now-- I always ask some friends who have seen the movie if there is something that will trigger me. There are many movies that I wish I could see because they're very good but I don't think I could, like Precious, Boys Don't Cry, and Dead Man Walking.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/13380828869565574299noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-77607266001083301302011-04-28T10:53:53.949-04:002011-04-28T10:53:53.949-04:00I was triggered once by a rape scene in one of the...I was triggered once by a rape scene in one of the newer Hills Have Eyes movies (NEVER watch these, bad triggers). I didn't know there was going to be a rape scene. From now on I will look up in advance before I watch a movie, to make sure there isn't simulated rape.<br /><br />The suckier thing too, is that the boyfriend I was with at the time, who was watching this movie with me and had the remote, would not forward or skip the scene, despite my repeated urgent request to do so. Very dicky thing to do :(. I ended up having a very unexpected trigger; my heart beating very fast, my breathing fast and short, and tears pouring from my eyes. I didn't think I was going to react like that but it happened anyways. <br /><br />Another time, my professor in the Brain and Behavior psychology class I took talked about sexual trauma at one point in his lecture, and said "many victims will never be able to forget what happened" etc. Him saying these things triggered me to unexpectedly sob in the middle of the class. I was trying to be as discreet as possible in order to not have people notice me but I dunno, my head was lowered for the whole rest of the class. I should have anonymously sent him an email asking him to not speak in such a way (it wasn't even a PTSD or counseling class or something), and to let him know he should be careful of what he says in case it triggers students. I was distraught for the next couple of hours after that class. I think I will email him today, even though that class event happened two years agoAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-15400236097004322952011-02-22T12:52:00.461-05:002011-02-22T12:52:00.461-05:00That made me smile. Thanks. :)That made me smile. Thanks. :)S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/13380828869565574299noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-71634861074500060762011-02-22T12:43:19.420-05:002011-02-22T12:43:19.420-05:00Ew. If it makes any difference, I think he's a...Ew. If it makes any difference, I think he's a self-satisfied shit too.Aubreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17255710135091211102noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-30549902004582384982010-11-27T19:12:21.193-05:002010-11-27T19:12:21.193-05:00Sayrina, hang in there. I'm thinking about yo...Sayrina, hang in there. I'm thinking about you. Give yourself plenty of hugs. Hey, I'm really slow but I'll get there :)<br /><br />GeorgiaGirlAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-90217165671706174932010-11-19T17:16:08.511-05:002010-11-19T17:16:08.511-05:00Thanks for your support! I can't wait to hear ...Thanks for your support! I can't wait to hear what you have to say. I really am touched that you are spending the time to read what's here on my blog. It's people like you who keep me writing. :)S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/13380828869565574299noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-57413475655646413082010-11-19T16:57:08.192-05:002010-11-19T16:57:08.192-05:00Just now finding my way around your site and I hav...Just now finding my way around your site and I have a long way to go.<br /><br />Your anniversary post resonated with me. I have so much to say in response to this (when I get my thoughts together). <br /><br />For now, please accept the fact that you ARE healing ... and don't PUSH yourself. It's a loooong process, okay!GeorgiaGirlhttp://www.georgia-tech-rape-victim2.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-75765467164364276382010-11-19T09:53:37.624-05:002010-11-19T09:53:37.624-05:00Hi GeorgiaGirl,
I recently got my BA but I am in ...Hi GeorgiaGirl,<br /><br />I recently got my BA but I am in a post-baccalaureate program to take required courses for veterinary school. :)<br /><br />I have some posts about what happened under the label "my story." I'm not sure how much each goes into detail about the actual event-- they mostly focus on the aftermath-- but there is some there. If you have any specific questions, feel free to ask me as well, of course.<br /><br /><br />SayrinaSayrinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02606714873804662462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-88912282755591301192010-11-19T05:27:46.476-05:002010-11-19T05:27:46.476-05:00Sayrina, you're a recent grad, but still takin...Sayrina, you're a recent grad, but still taking exams? That confused me a little.<br /><br />Where can I read about what happened two and a half years ago? Sounds like you experienced a great deal of trauma, and that you may be reliving it now.GeorgiaGirlhttp://www.georgia-tech-rape-victim2.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-85937398419184044812010-11-18T16:39:35.493-05:002010-11-18T16:39:35.493-05:00*hugs* I'm sorry to hear that you're feeli...*hugs* I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, although I certainly understand why!JSAnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-51544019515681658962010-11-17T15:09:46.054-05:002010-11-17T15:09:46.054-05:00Dear Anonymous----
In response to : "I don&#...Dear Anonymous----<br /><br />In response to : "I don't think people are saying "Don't stop bullying." <br /><br />While people might not be saying explicitly THAT, the fact is that people not only wrongly blame the victim, they also justify their blaming.<br /><br />saisaihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00981094227758700557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-51963520192176598452010-11-17T14:43:14.459-05:002010-11-17T14:43:14.459-05:00I'm not sure what would be effective, to be ho...I'm not sure what would be effective, to be honest. I would be a terrible policy-maker in this instance because I can't be objective and because I don't know enough information. Suspension doesn't seem like it would be effective in that I can't see it preventing future bullying. I don't think anti-bullying programs wouldn't get through to older kids either. <br /><br />Really, if I had a choice, I would want them to feel the kind of pain, despair, and humiliation that their bullying causes in their victims. However, there's no ethical way to do that...Sayrinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02606714873804662462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-91685563662110888122010-11-17T13:51:41.787-05:002010-11-17T13:51:41.787-05:00What kind of punishment would you suggest?What kind of punishment would you suggest?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-28389971059622461312010-11-17T11:25:56.005-05:002010-11-17T11:25:56.005-05:00That's the thing-- you think it is imaginary, ...That's the thing-- you think it is imaginary, something that would never happen. You think it is witty. But these things do happen, and it really isn't funny to people it happens to.<br /><br />It's easy for you to say that you hate rapists and would try to stop it. But it takes a lot more effort and maturity to take a step further and be sympathetic to rape victims who have gone through it.Sayrinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02606714873804662462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934632918181912978.post-38353014752834367702010-11-17T11:23:29.569-05:002010-11-17T11:23:29.569-05:00To children, death is often a very abstract concep...To children, death is often a very abstract concept. Did they actually want her to die? Maybe not. But I wouldn't be surprised if their taunts included such language. Gay children who were bullied often report death threats. <br /><br />I agree that her mother shouldn't sue the school, but do try to understand misplaced grief. Should the children be treated as murderers? No, not to that extent, but remember that these are high-schoolers; they are old enough to be conscious of right and wrong. I think some punishment would be appropriate.Sayrinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02606714873804662462noreply@blogger.com