Brooding

It has come to my attention that Dartmouth is somewhat abuzz with revelations of hazing, in particular one person's quite graphic and disgusting account of his experience as a pledge at a fraternity. One of Phi Tau's email lists discusses this, and one of the main opinions seems to be that he is making up most of his story because he has reason to want to hurt his fraternity and Dartmouth's fraternity system as a whole. Of course, this general atmosphere of denial, or at best, apathy, triggered me.

I emailed some of the current members of Phi Tau's undergraduate government to check in, essentially, and see if plans were still on to hold a particular Elected Official accountable for his victim-shaming and his threats to me about keeping silent. The permanency clause issue is to officially come under debate on February 11, during the Tau Corp meeting (that should have been in November but had to be pushed off due to various shenanigans), and I have been told that there is rather widespread support for it, at least among the undergraduate members. (From my past experiences, I believe a good portion of alumni are not terribly happy with it.) Last I heard, several members of the undergraduate governing body do still want to hold Elected Asshat accountable in some way, but because he holds an elected position in Tau Corp, he has significant ability to make everyone's lives difficult re: the permanency clause issue, and so they want to have the change to the clause passed before they confront him.

I am still hopeful. The fact that I was triggered today shows me that I am still very much not over this, despite almost four years' passing. I am still disappointed and angered by my peers' refusal to confront him about what he said to me and tell him it was wrong. When I confronted him once, a few months after the incident, he admitted that he never would have acted that way towards anyone else; he just hated me. Since he was an elected official, that means he used his position to act on a personal vendetta-- a blatant abuse of power.

To this day I cannot truly be friends with anyone who is still friends with him. I have heard many passive "oh, he shouldn't have said that" statements, but as far as I know, no one has stood up to him and actually told him that. I hate that this whole thing makes me doubt my friends and friendships. I just never got the sense that anyone was willing to put their foot down and denounce him. In my worldview, friends support each other. I understand that no one's hatred is going to be as intense as mine, but some support would be nice. It's like boycotting a product or company to make a point, if you will. It might be somewhat inconvenient, but if you care enough, you can do it. And in this case, unlike with giant corporations or industries, it would actually make a very strong and effective statement. It would have made a great deal of difference in how I healed. I would not be as sad and bitter as I am today.

After being triggered earlier this afternoon, I am merely brooding now. I am sad about my friendships and the fact that I am not sure I can trust anyone from the Phi Tau era of my life who still claims to be my friend. The question of whether I want to be present for the Tau Corp meeting crossed my mind earlier today. I do not know if it would be satisfying or merely sad-- a reminder of what happened, an action that is too little, too late-- to be present for [what I assume will be] the official passing of the Permanency Exception Clause. I am more interested in being there if the Elected Official will also be chastised for his behavior, but I am also scared, because I do not think he will take it maturely-- i.e. I think there will be lots of victim-shaming vitriol flying from his mouth. If I had wanted to deal with accusations and having my name dragged through the mud, I would have gone to court to prosecute my rapist. I just don't know if I am up for being called a liar and being forced to recount my story and defend myself. There is one person who was witness to what he said to me, but I am not even sure she will stand up for me. :(


This post doesn't really go anywhere. It's mostly a result and reflection of my brooding state of mind. *sigh*